Let This Be A Lesson

Steubenville.

By now you all know what that's about, the media can't stop talking about it. For those of you who've been living under a rock or don't follow any mainstream media (which would surprise me if you're reading this) two teenagers were found guilty of rape recently. They raped a woman who was intoxicated... A point which is entirely irrelevant to the story.

There's a whole movement of media shaming going on. Feminists of the internet have their knickers and jock straps in a twist about how the only thing the media can focus on is how bad they feel for these two young boys and how their futures are now ruined, they will never be successful or have the football careers they can reminisce about when they're too old to play anymore.

It is sad. And there's good reason for the media to keep talking about it, but I feel like the media almost tried to make a point here and completely missed the mark. It's sad that these two boys were never taught that if a woman isn't expressly, verbally asking for and then consenting to have sex that you don't have sex. It's sad that people are trying to make it the girl's fault for having any alcohol in her bloodstream, because if she'd been sober it would have been less sad for those boys' future? Doesn't sound right does it? Why are we slut shaming this poor woman? How is she suddenly not a 'good girl' and therefore deserved it? Does anyone in the mainstream media actually hear the words coming out of their mouths?

Sure those boys are going to have a rough time, especially if they're pretty and in jail. Rape goes both ways. And maybe they'll learn a lesson. I'm not one to tout the old eye for an eye adage, but it does happen. Being on the other side of that coin would absolutely teach them something. Though I hope they don't have to learn this way.

Maybe they will serve their time, emerge reformed one way or another, the world will have forgotten what they've done and they will have lives and continue to live them. They will find work and support themselves and by that definition they will be successful adults. They do not have to become football super stars to consider their lives "not ruined". How do we know for sure that if they had been able to keep their dicks in their pants that they would have been superbowl MVPs?

Maybe they had hopes and dreams about playing college ball. They probably won't be doing that now. And I am not sad about this. I am not sad that they have to go to jail. I am not sad that they will have to learn about life, a woman's rights and feminism the hard way.

I am sad for the victim, but I keep that kind of sadness tightly locked down for... reasons. I hope that she was intoxicated enough that she won't remember every detail for the rest of her life. I hope that it fades. I hope that she seeks any help that's available to her and I hope that she is able to move on with her life now that justice has been served. I have hope that her unfortunate case sets a precedent.

A precedent that would make young guys think twice about whether or not they are allowed to have sex with a woman (and vice versa in various combinations, men are raped too by other men and women too). A precedent in the media who consistently leave out one important word in their lament for these boys — it's NOT sad that these boys have no football or glamours career ahead of them. Let this be a lesson to those of you who want to have a bright future, live the American Dream or whatever nonsense you like to call it. There are a number of ways to ruin that kind of future. Raping an intoxicated woman is only one of them.

This will probably read like a very bad after school special

Extra points for you if you remember those.

My last post actually had an alternate title: how to piss off and alienate people in 1000 words or less. I'm totally joking, I have no idea how many words were in the last post.  This one might be a close second.

I recently completed another solar orbit, I turned 35. Yeah. Whoopdie doo. I've decided I'm only 35 in pixels and on paper, because I certainly don't feel that old and I don't look it either. Anyway, I had a point here.

I had an absolutely wonderful birthday weekend as the actual day was a Sunday and the party was on Saturday night so I started my birthday on the right foot. Surrounded by all the adopted family of choice that I love dearly. Seriously, I cannot stress how incredible it is and how much it means to me that people came to see me and share time and food and imbibe with me.

I've spent far too much time in my adolescent years and my 20s, sadly, believing that no one would really want to hang around with me. I wasn't interesting/fun/pretty/clever enough to hang around with. I didn't have close friends that I'd like to keep for the rest of my days until 7 years ago when I met the friends I still have today. So yes, this is how much seeing my friends on my birthday means to me.

I drove to my own birthday party. I have rules about mixing alcohol and driving. In bold terms they don't mix. Ever. I never understood the rule granting me legal permission to have one drink and then go for a drive. I have a zero tolerance rule for myself, not just because it makes sense, but because I'm not so much a cheap drunk as I am an efficient one. It doesn't take much, and from one night of libations to the next I never know how quickly it's going to hit me or how long it's going to stick around.

I got some puzzling looks from people at the party who didn't understand why I drove to the party and why I wasn't going to drink. It was my birthday after all. A dear friend actually tried to make me take a cab so that I could have a drink, I very politely reminded this friend that they didn't get to make that decision for me (it's hard to be assertive about boundaries without worrying about offending people, but that's a post for another day). And I know that my friends mean well. I know they wanted me to have a good time at the party in my honour and believe me, I did. My face was actually sore from all the smiling.

What I found puzzling was the unconscious notion from others that I couldn't possibly have fun at my own birthday party without alcohol. Brace yourselves this is where the bad after school special part comes in. I don't actually need booze to have a good time. No, really. Depending on the circumstances I will have much more fun without it. See alcohol doesn't loosen me up in the sense that it lowers my inhibitions. I'm perfectly comfortable doing that while sober and I'll lower them as far as I please and is socially acceptable. I also like being in control of my limbs, fine motor skills and speech. Alcohol takes that away from me and I can think of nothing scarier or useless to me than that.

I do enjoy a glass of wine on occasion. Just one. It's a shame, really I have bottles of wine that claim to be absolutely wonderful and I'd like to try them, but I can only drink one glass. And I'm unlikely to finish it all before it's only good for cooking. Which seems like a bit of a waste to me. Clearly, I need to have people over and share it with them. And make sure they have a safe way home. If they want to.