Friday, 2 November 2012

A conversation I've had with myself before.

This was originally posted to my LiveJournal, but that seems to be slowly going the way of the dodo. After hitting "post" the darned thing just kept writing itself in my head while I was trying to sleep. So here you have the much extended version. Hence the inspiration for creating this tiny little space on the interwebs. 

I'm not the greatest feminist at the best of times, but there are sometimes that I catch myself being a truly terrible one and I question myself in the best way. Some people have weasels  some people have cruel Self Talk. My internal monologue can just be very contrary when it suits its needs. 

I'm not a 'down with the patriarchy' kind of feminist. I'm keenly aware of the way women have been conditioned to think about themselves and about everything around them (more about that later, promise) and how hard it is to stop this behaviour. Ever try to brush all the sand off your beach towel while it's still on the sand? Or removing burrs from your scarf while wearing wooly mittens? Yeah, it's like that.

Join me in learning to think differently. It'll be fun, I swear.

So anyways, I says to Mabel, I says...

It's the classic Needs vs. Wants discussion, except there's this new twist this time. I refuse to feel obligated to have certain criteria in one category or the other category. And I'm not going to feel bad about it either. There's this whole notion of guilt in my head that something most people would put in the Want category is a Need for me. Something as supposedly superficial as body type preference. 

It occurs to me that for a long time I've talked myself into putting a lot of the things I feel should be in the Need category into the Want category because … reasons? No actually it's because I'd convinced myself that my Needs were too specific and unimportant anyway and I'd never find that one person who could meet even 60% of those Needs. I convinced myself that I was just being too picky and I should just take what I could get so I don't die alone. Besides, what I Need doesn't Want me anyway…

That's a truly horrible thought. Bad, SelfTalk, bad! *smacks SelfTalk in the nose with a rolled up newspaper* No biscuit for you. 

Screw that. I'm going to be happy dammit. I might not be happy now, but that doesn't mean it's permanent. I could be happy tomorrow (for … reasons) or happier still in a month who the hell knows, right?

Since I've warmed up to the idea that just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I should be ashamed of going after what I want/need in relationships/partners/whathaveyou; that silly notion that I should sit around patiently waiting to be noticed is horse hockey. Absolute bull crap.

It might not always work, I may get a lot of rejection or flat out ignored for… reasons. It's a truly scary thing to embark on too, I could end up very lonely (and acutely once a month) for a long time with this kind of strategy. And at those times I will remind myself of the following: If guys are intimidated or turned off or offended by a woman who's (completely awesome but,) assertive, out spoken and particular about what I Need, well then I don't Want them.

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